Tori Spelling

Miss Notorious has become a reality semi-star with a loving husband and two adorable kids. But you know what else she has? A face that looks like she could win the Kentucky Derby!!

Ashlee Simpson

"Soldier, hold my mount!" Okay, I doubt many will get this classic Animal House reference. But that doesn't negate the fact that Mrs. Pete Wentz looks like a fine bred Arabian. Giddy up!

Carly Simon

That jaw. That nose. Those teeth. I swear, if you get close enough to this picture you can smell hay and horse flies. Yes, she did write one of the coolest songs of the 1970's (You're Soooo Vain). And I've heard she lives full time on Cape Cod (which is the coolest). But, sorry Carly, your face has mucho caballo.

Cindy Crawford

Without a doubt, one of the hottest chicks of the 80's and 90's. But, face it people, she's got so much horse, I'm starting to wonder if she has any other hidden body parts that also resemble our equine friends. Hey, maybe that's why Richard Gere married her in the first place!

Jillian Barberie

Our very own Fox NFL weather girl once did a show called Skating With Celebrities. And that celeb she looks most like? Mr. Ed!

Nancy Kerrigan

Gold medal at the Olympics? No! A face that looks like she needs side blinders and a mouth bridal. Yes!!!

John Kerry

Sure, he ran a terrible 04' campaign. And sure, he's really just a kept man who married some heinous Heinz heiress. But come on my fellow Americans, wouldn't you rather have rather had a horse for President than our current jackass?

Sarah Jessica Parker

Way before Matthew Broderick was busted for having an affair (allegedly), Ferris Bueller was held up in a sling, reporting that he broke his collarbone in a freak horse riding accident. Was he riding a horse, or was he riding his wife??? I'm just saying!!!!

Ron "The Beast" Pearlman

Whoooa Nelly. I mean, whoooa Ron. This guy's got major horse. Throw Tobey Maguire on his back, add Jeff Bridges and some soft lighting, and, bam, you've got a lost scene from Seabiscuit.

Jessica Simpson

Yes, Tony Romos main babe is beautiful. But I swear I once lost a grand at Pimlico betting on a horse that looked just like her.

Madonna

Madonna used to be hot. She always had a little horse in her. But it was good horse -- yes, that exists. But when she was Vouging, or writhing on a gondola singing about her virginity, it was the best. Hell, she could have looked like a prize mare for the Canadian Mounties, but if she was kissing Brittney, then Daddy likes. Problem is, as she got older, her horse got worse -- yes, that happens. Now Miss Kabbalah is too horsey. I don't care how much girl on girl kissing Mad-Rod she tries to bribe me with, her face now looks like one of those plastic coin operated hobby horses you find stationed outside of KMart.

Howard Stern

A man with a horse face for radio.

Kristin Alfonso

On TV she plays Hope from Days of Our Lives. In real life, she plays a woman who has a face that would make you want to slip on some riding pants, grab a mallet, and play a rousing game of high-goal polo.

Ann Coulter

The fact is there aren't too many blonde Republican chicks out there. So "Red Staters" must have been pumped when Ann first trotted onto the scene. Finally, someone other than Bo Derek to carry the "Republican Chicks Rock" banner. Problem is, she's got a face like one of those clydesdales you see in those Christmas Budweiser commercials.

Buttercup

No, I'm not Jenny McCarthy. I'm Buttercup, damn it!... Neigggghhhhhhhhh.